Some New Funnies

**James** · #1 (**permalink**) 10-26-2005, 10:14 AM

You know you're living in the 21st century when....you'ving in the 21st century when....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no ..9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a ..9 on
this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

**James** · #2 (**permalink**) 10-26-2005, 10:16 AM

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM.
SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS...
"ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?"

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

Chris_J · #3 (**permalink**) 10-27-2005, 04:57 PM

LOL, Very funny. Wonder if that carrot hurt....oh never mind

Here is mine:

To all the Teenagers

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it.

Rule 2: The world does not care about your self-esteem. The world expects you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will not make 50 thousand a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss!

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping – they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, and it's not your friends' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes – learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents were not as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, cooking your food, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rainforest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This does not bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into terms and semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find out about yourself. You have to do that in your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

**James** · #4 (**permalink**) 11-07-2005, 06:42 AM

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot.

The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or lss adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope wich contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account.

When they talked to the bank teller, she was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at such a young age.

The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those ***holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***n' sheet rock..."